blake studdard

Phil, Becky, Charlsey, and I are leaving tonight around 9 to drive through the night to Atlanta. We plan on doing nothing important. Except for the most important thing… Being with each other. It’s easy to get together and write music, plan and dream about super intense things. But probably the most exciting thing about going on this spur-of-the-moment trip is that we will just get to be together. Lots of snuggin, laughin, lovin, and in the words of Jemaine Dupri :

“Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo,

Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo”

Yeah, Welcome to Atlanta, jack and hammer and vogues’
Back to the mackin’ and jackin’ the clothes, adolescent packin a fo’
A knock on the do’, who is it?
I would happen to know, the one with the flow
Who did it?, it was me I suppose
J-D in the Rollz and Luda’s in the Cutt Supreme
Skatin down old Nat, Gat tooked and lean
I split ya spleen, as matter’ fact I split ya team
No blood on the sneak’s, gotta keep it so my kicks is clean
I get the cream, cops see me flick my beams
Im allergic to ‘doc perscribed anti-histemines
Oink Oink, Pig Pig, do away with the pork
Only silverware I need is a steak knife and a fork.
Did you forget your ****** manners, I’m Bruce with banners,
Ludacris, Johnny Rockets when i shoot the cannon
The Wooley mammoth saber-tooth, ***** bite your tounge
I wont stop until Im rich as them white-boy come
I pull up in the black Lotus, you’re plaque’s are bogus
So I stripped them off the wall
Waiting for my cue to corner pocket eight balls
You rackin’ ‘em up, Im big paper like pancakes, stackin’ ‘em up
In fact Im slappin’ ‘em up, Cadallacin’ the truck
I cant loose with 22″s, ***** thats whats up
Runnin in the back the ****, runnin better than aquaduct
chil-li-li-li-li-n.. what

[Chorus]
[JD]
Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo,

Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo.. Yo..Yo, Yo,

Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play
And we ride on them things like every day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta’s roamin’
And parties dont stop til’ eight in the mornin’
[Ludacris]
Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play
And we ride on them things like every day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta’s roamin’
And parties dont stop til’ eight in the mornin’

[JD]
Now the party dont start ’til I walk in
And I usually dont leave until the thing ends
But in the mean-time, in between time
You work yo thing, I’ll work mine
I been puttin’ it down here since 83′
Since the late show MD rivalry
More froze than bad ice, with a place to be
If you was ridin, you was bumpin’ your homie Shadi
Im the MBP, Most Ballernous Player
Make my own rules, ***** call me the mayor
Monday night, Gentlemen’s Club
Tuesday night, Im up in the velvet room, gettin ****** up
Wednesday, Im at strokers on lean
Thursday, jump clean, and I fall up in cream
Friday, Shark Bar, Kaya with Frank Skeem, right on the floor is where you can find me
Saturday, is off the heezy fo’ sheezy, you can find me up in one-tweezy
Sunday, is when i get my sleepin’
Cause on Monday we be at it again, Holla!

I kind of knew it. We started talking on the phone when she came in town from Colorado last October (2008). For about 10 months or so, we talked once or twice a week for 3 or 4 hours at a time, usually late into the night. I knew around January that I wanted to take her on a date when she moved to norman (July 2009), but I had to try and put those emotions on hold. I did a fairly good job, I think, but I definitely found myself making plans to ask her out.

On the 14th of July, I asked her on our first date. She was going to come to Oklahoma on the 17th or so, so I decided the 18th would be a good first date…. you, take it slow, let her be in OK for a while…

Anyway, we started dating, I found my life resonating deeper with her than with anyone I’d ever met before. I found myself terrified by that fact, too, because I’d been hurt before… But I fearlessly made the powerful decision every day to pursue her and keep taking the single step right in front of me.

4 months later, on 11.10.09 at 8:07am, I asked her to be my wife. And she said yes!

everything’s a secret. for now…

Got off the road with the Nick Thurmond Band.

Quit the Nick Thurmond Band.

Settled into my new house with 5 other guys.

Asked Charlsey if she wanted to start dating.

Started dating Charlsey

Road tripped with 3 of the most important people in my life to California.

Attended Bethel School of the Prophets.

Got a tattoo symbolizing the 24-7 presence of God

Began freelance work for a web and brand developer.

Started a photography business with Evan.

Moved some gear into a remote office space  to edit audio/photo/design work.

Built a fixie (road bike).

…

More to come. Just had to get the small talk out.

i’m about halfway through ‘reading the bible in 90 days.’

and i’m taking a break.

here’s why :

i’m aware that the past week and a half has been full of killing lions and killing bears. i quit a band that provided 90 percent of my income. i shot my first wedding as ‘207 photography cooperative’ with Evan. I found out a childhood mentor of mine is being charged with molesting a minor. My sister in law was admitted to a hospital for bed rest until my twin nephews pop out, which could be 8 weeks from now. i had at least 4 conversations with females about feelings and relationships: two good, one hard, one weird, all for their own reasons… did i mention this was all in a week and a half?

It’s occurring to me that when we kill a lion (make a courageous step in the direction God is pointing you), things blow up. Good things blow up, bad things blow up, weird things blow up, horrific things blow up… it all just blows up!

And for me, it couldn’t be more perfect timing. Sure, part of me wants to sit and read my Bible everyday, quietly move into a house with 5 other guys, and keep being comfortable, busy, detached “Rittle Brake.” (weird nickname i sometimes go by, sorry). But my spirit has been screaming. For about a year, I’ve been so disoriented: ‘How do I get back to intimacy?’ ‘What do I do to interact like we did before?’ ‘Why aren’t the methods working anymore?’ ‘Why can’t I connect socially?’ … These are some of the questions that have been roaring inside me.

There’s no way I could’ve handled the events of the past week and a half… before the past week and a half. I could’ve walked through them (numb and disengaged), but i couldn’t have handled (actively responded to) them.

So I’m killing lions and I’m killing bears. I’m giving away what I have. I’m following You into the dark. And you’re injecting me with courage. You’re giving me double portions (the fact i’m having twin nephews is a cute allusion to that one). You’re bringing clarity like you said you would.

This is for everyone who is thirsty. Drink it.

i don’t mean to say things i don’t mean.

every day is a snap-of-the-fingers

and i breathe in the rusty things.

it’s not dirty, don’t clean it off,

there was never a time i didn’t know.

i guess deep down i chased it too,

but i can’t remember -

drag the bells, through the snow.

just one more time, i need it.

fuzzy hats in summer work,

for hiding greasy hair.

they say i feel a lot more than you.

and they’ve been right before.

so it didn’t surprise me this time.

don’t know what we were going for,

if we even had a goal.

paint everything like me mean it,

and say we know ourselves?

i was close to it, too,

cashing in for a look-good name.

now fog the glass, hurt, gasp, cry and ask,

why are we not the same?

Last week I told Nick and the band I wouldn’t be playing with them anymore. It’s been 4 years of commitment to Nick, and I have to say I’ve grown musically in huge ways because of him. I’ve been a lot of places, seen a lot of cities (and even more tiny towns I never dreamed existed), become well acquainted with hotel rooms and driven conversion vans with trailers across a lot of state lines. I’ve learned how to play keys, run front-of-house in a CCM setting, turn on leslie cabs, mix on a digital board, and blow out subwoofers (and just about every other woofer). I’ve learned how to deal with the aches and pains of life in a suitcase, doing homework in a van or a hotel room, hoping my professors will let me skip multiple classes at a time. I’ve learned how to exist in an atmosphere where personalities clash, grow ugly, and face each other until issues are resolved, knowing they must invade each others’ space 24-7 until the month-long trip is over.

A lot has happened the past 4 years. Internal/External conflicting. Breakup-ing. Schedule stressing. Destiny rearranging. Heart following. Community defining.

And I’ve loved it.

But this movement marks a season shift. I’m going from a season fueled by passion and zeal to a season fueled by courage and rest. I’m learning how to follow You into the dark, knowing it will brighten up as soon as I step into it. Each new room in Your house feels different, and I’m amazed at how many I’ve found so far. This leads me to assume that I have many more to discover, and I’m excited about that.

I have a lot to say, and not a lot of energy to say it. But I know that in order to follow our destinies we need to kill the lions and kill the bears, and face each new choice with courage from the last one. We can’t act out of fear, unless we want to be destroyed.

To say something less vague :

I have no concrete plan as to what I’m doing now that I’ve created such an enormous space in my life. I know I want to press in to what community means. I know I want to write and record music. I know I want to explore the business world of photography with Evan. I know I want to do well my last year in school. I know I want to embrace the exploration of the heart and mind of God.

one of my best friends told me that this blog inspires intimacy.

the kingdom of Hell told me I don’t have anything to give.

but I belong to the Lover, who gives me everything I’ve ever needed… which means i have everything to give.

A few days ago I called a friend of mine who moved a couple days ago to Kansas City to attend an equipping school at International House of Prayer. I hadn’t called him in a little while, and he had changed his voicemail. It said, ‘Hello, you’ve reached Zach, I’m not here right now, but in case you haven’t heard, Jesus is so madly, insanely in love with you, and He just wants to be with you and be known by you….’

There’s a lot more that I can’t remember, but here’s a little about Zach :

Zach is one of the most anointed word-of-knowledge prophetic followers of Jesus I’ve ever met, especially within my age group. That means he gets some detailed information from the Lord about people that no one could have known unless they literally heard it from Heaven. He is probably the most gentle person I know, as well. The peace that accompanies Zach as he prays over you is one of the thickest feelings you’ll ever feel.

and here is my point :

Because Zach has been obedient to give away what he has over, and over, and over… his Lover has given him more, and more, and more, knowing Zach will be faithful again and again in bigger and bigger ways. Even when he doesn’t know he has something significant, he gives whatever he has away. And I can stand as a witness  that as he does this, the thing he thought was insignificant all of a sudden becomes incredibly significant to the recipient.

So, once again, I feel like I don’t have anything to give. I feel like I don’t have anything to be. But in order to go deeper into your heart, I will give away everything I have.

I’ve moved into a new house (again), released a record that embodies everything I love to do, and now I am sitting in a condo in Panama City Beach after the first week of a Nick Thurmond tour, letting a 4 day weekend off work pass me by.

I’ve been reading the Bible more recently than i ever have.. mostly/entirely because of a reading plan i picked up on the 1st of June : “The Bible in 90 Days”

I’m finishing up Judges at the moment… I’ve been flying through this thing (the Bible).

For the first time in my life, the big picture of the Old Covenant (Old Testament – thanks JD) is making sense. I’ve taken a few Bible classes in grade school, and I’ve grown up in the Bible beating Baptist church, hearing this stuff in an intellectual setting twice a week for 18 years straight. But just now, by recklessly flying through the Bible 15 chapters a day, I’m understanding God’s heart for Israel in a real way.

Before reading the Bible this way :

I couldn’t think of a reason (apart from my personal interactions with the Lord) for the wrath-likeness of God in the Old Covenant.

I was baffled by certain arguments for the ridiculousness of OC stories as communicated by famous atheists (such as Dawkins)

After :

I’m seeing the nature of God (jealousy, faithfulness, justice) consistently displayed to Israel, and how that was necessary for their future/our present.

I’m baffled by the closed-mindedness of some of the (self-proclaimed) most ‘open-minded’ intellectuals.

While all this is great, – it’s important to know the nature of God and what it looked like historically – I’m having a bit of trouble connecting with the Lord intimately… which is my one desire. I’m aware that logical soaking is good and (maybe, maybe not) necessary to knowing the Lord, but I’m much more aware of this fine line : KNOWING ABOUT GOD is good, but ONLY when it propels me deeper into the heart of God, enabling me to KNOW GOD more.

I would stop reading the Bible until I get that experiential knowledge flowing, but this season is/has been an unusual one. It seems the more I try to get the thing I once had, as in a certain rhythm I started falling in love with, the more I get the abrupt message to stop walking that way and to keep following him into the dark.

So, once again, I don’t understand you, but I trust you, and I will follow you into the dark.